Five things all parents should know about sex offenders
Posted on November 9th, 2011
As a lawyer, I represented survivors of child sex abuse. I worked with people who were broken and who would never be whole, people who were slowly piecing their lives together, and people for whom it was still too early to tell if they could recover. Sadly, some can never move past being a victim of sex abuse, and they will continue to be targeted by abusers and victimized throughout their lives. A fair number turn to alcohol and drugs.
One thing they all have in common: none of them should have been victims in the first place. In every case I handled, someone knew the pedophile was abusing children, and yet did and said nothing while the abuse continued.
It’s worth repeating: in every case, someone knew.
In every case.
A person who preys upon children for sexual gratification is a sick, twisted bastard. (And, yes, they usually are men.) But a person who says nothing while the pedophile continues to abuse children? That’s pure evil. There is always an excuse: “I didn’t know anything for sure,” “I didn’t want to get him in trouble,” “Everyone loves him,” “No one would believe me.”
It’s cowardly, craven, and contemptible. That fear of standing up and doing the right thing because it is hard and because it may mean social ostracism — that may mean the difference between dozens (or hundreds) of children who get to grow up and lead normal lives or who get to face a lifetime of pain.
There are so many things I wish parents knew about serial child abusers, except the knowledge comes with nightmares and can’t be unlearned. That said, here are five things all parents absolutely, positively must know.
1. Pedophiles are where kids are. When I take my daughter to parks near me, I play a game I call “Spot the Perv” while I push her on the swing. Pedophiles are where children are: they are in parks, in schools, in children’s activities.
And — this is the hard part — accept it. Be vigilant without being obsessive. I still take my kid to the park, to school, and to activities. There are pedophiles in the world, but it’s still the world we have to live in.
2. Most pedophiles have never been caught. Background checks are nearly meaningless. Most pedophiles haven’t been caught or prosecuted, and won’t show up as pedophiles in a background check. And even if they’re caught, they may plea down so that they don’t appear on sex offender registries. One of the creepiest, most prolific, and truly disturbed abusers I’ve ever seen (who was long shielded by his church) now lives across the street from a school.
Again, know this and accept it. Don’t let it consume you.
3. Teach your child to be strong and trust her instincts.You can’t put your kid in bubble wrap and shield them forever. Your job as a parent is to foster independence. That means they have to navigate the world with pedophiles in it. Teach them to be careful and what to do if they are confronted. That’s for strangers.
But what about people that you may know? Let your child know that if your child is uncomfortable with a situation that you will back them up. This means if you get a call at 9 PM that your child wants to come home from a sleepover, you’ll go get the child, no questions asked. (In fact, I did this when I was eight, after a friend’s father touched me inappropriately; my mother, for all her faults, praised me for doing so). If your child doesn’t want to go to a certain friend’s house, there may be a reason why. Teach your children to trust their instincts, and respect their choices.
4. Believe your child. If your child comes to you and tells you something happened, be calm and listen. Really, as hard as it is: be calm. Believe your child. (Believing your child is probably the most important thing you can do.) Comfort your child. If your child wrestles with shame, work (with a counsellor) to help the child know it wasn’t the child’s fault.
5. Report suspicious behavior. This is where adults fail children. Don’t assume if you report the behavior to a person’s superior in an organization that anything will be done. In fact, almost always, nothing will happen. To paraphrase almost every deposition I’ve taken: a superior calls the abuser into a meeting and says, “Did this happen?” The abuser says, “That’s ridiculous! That child is troubled.” The supervisor doesn’t do anything.
Contact the police. Follow up. Talk to other parents.
Oh man, not going to the police is asinine. I have seen too many people get away with too much – not sex offenses, but other stuff – to ever believe that someone else would do the reporting for me. Yeah, maybe talking to the police is scary and maybe people will get mad at you for going to the cops, but seriously? It’s kids who pay the price when adults don’t speak up on their behalf.
Exactly. It never ceases to amaze me how strongly people fight standing up to do the right thing, even if they know it’s the right thing. Telling kids about “stranger danger” is fine, I guess, but we need to do more educating of parents/adults about the proper response to learning of abuse.
Just a comment – if a person knows what a kid will be put through if they make an allegation – the repeated questioning, the tests, the fear of the accuser’s retaliation, the trial, etc., many parents may make the decision not to report. I’m NOT saying this is okay or right (and, in fact, it leaves the perp to reoffend). But, as a criminal defense lawyer who has handled these cases (defending the accused), I always swore when my girls were little that there would be no trial but my own when I got through with the perp. I’m not talking about people who fail to report for their own stupid reasons but those who think they are (and sadly, in many situations they are) protecting their children. Just wanted to put another light on the topic. Not defending, not stirring crap, just providing insight.
Agreed, that’s a valid consideration. In dealing with adults, especially fragile adults, I would often try to talk them out of proceeding, and would be very clear what a civil case involves (the victim’s entire life is pretty much admissible if you allege emotional damage).
(With the little kids in criminal cases, there are agencies which are very good at getting the details from the kids, and the children are not made to relive the trauma over and over again. Mercifully. Oregon has great victims’ rights protections.)
This is particularly striking with the Joe Paterno stuff coming out. So many people are coming to all of the coaches’ defense, saying – they reported internally! That should be enough! To which I say – yeah, so they reported the first kid internally. Let’s pretend the second kid was YOURS. Now do you think they did enough to protect your child? Or should they maybe have tried a little harder?
The little I’ve read about the case (I’ve avoided it, because I suspect I would get so angry I would throw things) indicated that he was seen sodomizing a 10 year old boy. That’s pretty advanced pedophilia. That’s a guy who’s been abusing kids for a long, long time. I shudder to imagine how many victims he had before that poor boy, and how many people knew along the way and said nothing.
This reminds me of the guest speaker to one of my law school classes, who represented school districts. He told us how school admins would call him up and say, So there’s this girl, and she’s really kind of troubled – there are family problems – and she’s accusing this guy – and he’s really a great guy, amazing, all the kids and parents love him, he’s just the best guy — at which point the lawyer was already saying, He did it! He did it! (and of course the school admin never wanted to believe it). His point was that it’s not the weird creepy types who seduce/molest high school girls – it’s the charismatic ones that everyone loves. Because teenage girls (and boys, too, I’m sure) aren’t going to get sucked in by weirdo creeps. It’s going to be the great charismatic charming types who will get away with all sorts of awful stuff.
(Not suggesting that the kids in question consented or anything – just talking about a situation involving something other than brute physical force.)
Your last point just really reminded me of that. Ugh.
Exactly. The creepy guys tend to prey on kids who come from the most dysfunctional families (who may not know what “normal” looks like), but the charming ones who have everyone snowed — those are the scariest ones.
(oh and the Penn State stuff – I read also that someone saw the coach in question performing oral sex on a 13 year old (not sure if that was before or after the 10 year old). I know he hasn’t been convicted of anything, but those allegations are HORRIFYING. How can you NOT say something??)
I’m no psychologist, but I think it’s a herd instinct to not stick your neck out, no matter what the consequences to someone else (smaller, weaker, “troubled”). It’s despicable.
Sexual abuse is a bigger and more widespread problem than people know, or at least than we’re willing to acknowledge as a society. I.E. my husband recently defended a child molestation trial, and 12 out of 42 potential jurors (almost 1 in 3) were excused because they were, or someone in their families was, a victim of sexual assault. There are different levels of abuse, but the anecdotal evidence that it’s happening at that rate is scary.
Now, going back to your actual post.
I can’t stress how important it is to open the channels of communication and listen to your kids. Even more, pay attention to what they’re doing. There is all kinds of guilt and shame that comes with being a victim of sexual abuse. Kids know the offending adult (or older kid) is wrong and WILL get in trouble. Kids generally want to please adults, especially their parents and friends of their parents. That can make it harder for them to speak up.
The issue of shame is more controversial. Sexual stimulation can feel good, even for children. Kids know the touching is wrong and they’re not supposed to enjoy it. Sexual abuse is often referred to as “hurting” or a “bad touching” which can be confusing for a child. A child may feel a lot of shame and conflict after an instance of abuse. This is especially problematic if the abuse is continuing, because the child may feel like a willing participant, may seek out “alone time” with his or her aggressor, and may think he or she will get in trouble for telling.
In my opinion, part of the problem is that our society is so insistent upon sheltering children from exposure to ANY kind of sexuality. Children grow up unable to talk about it, and not really understanding the difference between what is ok (touching between mommy and daddy) and what is not.
I’m not saying everyone needs to give their kids a full anatomy lesson at 2, just listen to your kids, and pay attention to what they might be too afraid to say out loud.
Yes, yes, yes, to everything you’ve said. Kids absolutely need know more about sexuality. It’s wired in: they usually figure out how to masturbate around 2. And they need to know that it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
And people also don’t realize that there is a lot of sex abuse that is kid-on-kid. (I have a memory of reading some article that said most sex abuse is, but I don’t remember if that was in general, or specific to the foster care system.) With Pea, I do a lot of explaining that if kids do things she doesn’t like, she needs to say “Stop!” and “No!” and so far, so good, but we’re nowhere near the golden age of peer pressure.
Kid-on-kid abuse is definitely common. Perpetrator kids generally started out as victims, often of adults, but sometimes of other kids (again, who usually were victims first, usually of adults). I suspect the incidence is much higher in the foster care system just because that’s where you’ve got the most troubled, most abused, most victimized children.
I’ve been angry (and incredulous) about the Penn State case so your calm, rationality comes at a very good time for me.
I couldn’t agree more about talking to kids about sex–to acknowledge the pleasure and to address possible exploitation.