Every post I’ve tried to write for the last few weeks has involved my fear of not finding work and my angst about having to pull Pea from preschool in January because of money. This is occupying most of my thoughts. It’s all wrapped up in my Calvinist “I am worthless if I do not contribute to the household finances” baggage. (M is very tired of this: he points out I do the housework, take care of Pea, and spend the rest of my time writing. I know this is true, but Calvinist baggage is hard to dump.)

I keep deleting those posts. Odds are 50/50 this one won’t make it out of the gate, either. But:

This morning I was thinking about a story Corrie ten Boom told; if you’re a churchgoer from the last forty or fifty years, you probably already know it. In a nutshell: in Ravensbruck, conditions were beyond squalid and Corrie’s barracks was infested with fleas. The fleas, however, kept the guards from inspecting their quarters and allowed Corrie and her sister to worship in secret. The message is to be grateful (to God) for all things. All things. Not just the good things, but everything.

It’s a powerful story. That said, I don’t think things happen for a reason; I don’t, in fact, think there’s any divine plan at all.

I do know the power of being grateful. It is easy to feel grateful for the good things in our lives. It’s harder to feel grateful for the things that aren’t good, but oh, it really helps if you can try. That said:

• I am grateful for this time of unemployment, which gives me time to write and to spend time with Pea.
• I am grateful for our reduced income, which has helped us focus on the essentials, with fewer distractions.
• I am grateful for my estrangement from my family, which helps me keep their crazy away from Pea.
• In the event we can’t afford to send Pea to school past January, I’ll be grateful to have a few last months together before she starts kindergarten.

You know what? I already feel better.