A holiday dilemma
Posted on December 2nd, 2011
I brought out the electric pink and blue trees today and they’ve helped put me in a better frame of mind. Pea was so excited to see them after preschool today that I realized, hell, even though it’s a lean year ($50 budget, all for her), she’s so young she won’t know the difference. Also, she’s blissfully happy about the lopsided scarf I’m knitting her (my first knitting project since I was 10). Four is a great age.
In my mail today was a large, padded envelope from my mother to Pea. It contained a couple of Scholastic books (lest you think she spent money, I’m sure these are freebies) and a card to Pea.
The last time I spoke to my mother was Julyish 2010. The relationship was on its last legs then, but at that point, she said things so hurtful that it made it impossible for it to continue.
I don’t know if these books are intended as Christmas gifts (they weren’t wrapped, although there was a Christmas sticker on the card). I don’t know what to do with them. I’m all ready for that neglectful conversation, but I wasn’t ready for the emotional rollercoaster a bunch of freebie books would send me on. Some questions:
- Do I give them to Pea, or do I donate them?
- If I give them to Pea, do I tell her where they came from? (Every time she picks a book from the shelf, she recalls who gave it to her and we have to talk about it.)
- If I give them to Pea and tell her where they came from, do I write a thank you note? (Because I would rather pull my fingernails out than write my mother.)
- If I give them to Pea and tell her where they came from, do I have Pea draw a picture as a thank you note?
I punted and hid the books and card in a wardrobe, since she hadn’t noticed them yet. I don’t want to stand in the way of a relationship with her grandmother, but I don’t exactly want to facilitate it, either. M says if my mother really wants a relationship with Pea, she should call and talk to her.
I really don’t know what to do.
My inexperienced thoughts: I think you first need to ask yourself if although you don’t (currently) want a relationship with your mother, do you want Pea to have one? If the answer is no or ambivalent, perhaps donate the books. If yes, then tell her who they’re from and have her draw a thank you card–but merely to teach her the nice habit, not to be nice to your mother (though she doesn’t have to know that). I don’t see a reason you need to write a thank you note, though.
I would totally wrap them and put them under the tree from ME (if they were nice). Because I am a totally vindictive person and it would serve the offender right.
I can’t tell you what to do, and since my own family of origin is so messed up it’s shameful, I don’t know how reliable I actually am.
First, and you don’t have to tell M this, but I think he’s right. If she really wanted a relationship with her granddaughter, she could actually make the effort to pick up the phone and call.
That being said, if Pea were my kid, I would probably give her the books. I would probably tell her where they came from, but if you elect not to do it, stick them in her stocking and tell her they’re from Santa. Santa, after all, has many faces.
Don’t write the thank you note. I know it kills you not to do it, but if you’d rather pull out your fingernails than write it, then don’t do it. Why freak yourself out over the holidays? It’s not like they’re not stressful enough, right? Sure, a thank you note is a sign of good breeding, but so is being a kind human being. So be kind to yourself, and don’t write the note (after all, it’s not like your mother will be kind to you if you DO write the note). Instead, maybe Pea could draw a thank you note to Santa, and if you feel the need to send it, then do that. If you don’t, then stick it in her baby book.
I am, of course, full of shit, because I really don’t think I’ll escape the Christmas season unscathed. But it all sounds really nice in my head.
Meggan
I was TOTALLY just going to say what Christa said! Actually, I really like Meggan’s idea of saying the books are from Santa (as a slightly less vindictive option. Though I’m good with vindictive too!).
If you think P would like the books, then give her the books, but I don’t see any reason you have to tell her who they’re from, if your mother isn’t making any effort to have a relationship with P (besides sending a few free books) and you don’t want to work to facilitate one. And definitely don’t send a thank you note – that just seems like it would be opening you up to further contact/conversation. (Unless the barbarism of no thank-you note would truly upset you more than not writing one. But it doesn’t sound like it.)
Here’s a horrific cliche – you need to put your oxygen mask on first before helping P. If helping P have a relationship with your mother is going to cause you distress and screw with your mental health, you are not going to be a good parent to P.
(But then, I don’t have children and I was blessed with a great family – except my half brother, but the rest of us avoid him and don’t feel bad about it – so I’m not exactly an expert in any of this. So here’s the other cliche: if you read any of this advice and have the gut reaction of disagreeing – well, then, that tells you something about how you feel, right?)
Dear heart, whatever you do will be appropriate. I guess I lean towards that IF you give Pea the books, you’re honest about where they came from. She’s going to need to develop her coping skills. Her maternal grandma isn’t magically going to step up, and at some point Pea will notice – but her expectations will be in check. And hopefully it’s going to be okay for her that grandma is the way she is. Her grandma loves her, albeit in a flawed way, and you love her enough to endure the discomfort of these conversations.
I dunno. That’s my kneejerk reaction as the attorney to a whole bunch of single moms who have deadbeat dads disappointing their kids, and also as the child of a parent who elected to check out of my life for reasons totally unrelated to personal friction. But you’re the mom, the expert regarding your own serenity, and the oxygen mask analogy is totally apt!
By sending the books your mom is reaching out in some way, even though it may not be the way you and Pea deserve. You don’t need to accept her back into your life–that may not be healthy for you. But Pea likely won’t be harmed by sending her a picture, and it will probably mean a lot to your mother, even if she never fully communicates that to you.
Keep your distance and maintain solid boundaries, but be gracious in that small way. You can never regret being gracious.
This is tough and I admire you for being so objective.
My only advice is to trust your instincts. P is young and doesn’t know nor will understand the history and your concerns. If you think it appropriate to give her the books and tell her who they came from with honesty, go for it. From what I’ve read, P is wise beyond her years and she’ll benefit from the truth. Granted she’ll have questions but I know you’ll handle it well. Give her as much of the background as you feel she can understand and grasp.
What I have learned with my son is that sugar coating someone who should play a major role in a child’s life but doesn’t only backfires. Don’t make your mom out to be a saint or devil, just answer questions as you can and feel P can handle. Let her decide what she wants to do with the info.
And if you want to wait a while before bringing up your mom with P, that’s honorable too. You know what’s best for your child and you’re an amazing mother. Take strength in the fact that you know what’s right!
I wish you the best!
I agree w juliet
Could you tell Pea “they came in the mail” and leave it at that? Ren is young enough he would just accept that, but I don’t know if Pea would ask more questions.
I would probably donate them. I’m guessing it would hurt you every time you saw them, and it’s really not worth it.