The nuclear option
Posted on July 15th, 2012
Well, maybe that’s hyperbolic, but there was a meltdown of epic proportions yesterday.
Not Pea’s.
Mine.
The every-decision-I-make-is-a-mistake-and-why-didn’t-I-just-keeping-practicing-and-I’m-tired-of-being-poor-and-really-want-Szechuan-takeout-but-oh-budget-and-if-I-had-a-legal-job-I-could-afford-private-school-for-Pea-instead-of-having-to-spend-another-year-staying-home–
Well, you get the picture. It wasn’t pretty. It was ugly crying.
It was stupid, too, because the decisions I made were good ones; my kid went from being a perfectionist and crazy tantrums to being — in my biased opinion — a very delightful and fun kid. I left a toxic work environment. I’m doing what I wanted to be doing all along.
But.
The moral is no matter which path you take — to work or not to “work” (although I will punch anyone in the nuts who doesn’t think the 6-8 hours of writing and editing I put in at home a day, somehow, while going on outings and doing worksheets with Pea and getting laundry done and usually cooking but usually not getting enough sleep, isn’t “work” even if the rate of pay is, well, non-existent) — you will have regrets.
Don’t get me wrong.
This is what I miss about law practice: briefing and arguing against motions for judgment on the pleadings and summary judgment. Winning. And getting paid.
This is what I hate about my life right now: not getting paid.
It really is that simple. It terrifies me that if something were to happen to Gman, I might not be able to find a job fast enough to keep us from slipping through euphemistic “safety nets” (although I’m relatively sure those don’t exist in this country, not any longer).
I’m letting the terror fuel me now; if I don’t, I might melt down again. It’s why I put together the AAL Guide to Practicing Law. Today I put one book in for line edits, I’m editing two others concurrently, I’m writing queries for my novel, and I’m typing up new Dearest Maude letters. It’s highly unlikely that any of these things will result in a paycheck (at least soon), but at least it’s forward momentum.
YES, it is really scary to be the non-breadwinner… esp. if you are not winning enough bread yourself to, say, feed anyone. If it helps: forward momentum is good (“the journey of a thousand miles begins…”, etc.), your child IS delightful, and hanging out with you made me consider quitting practicing.
I so loved seeing you again, Anna, and spending time with you! And I really admire the way you’ve been able to balance your family and career (although I also understand how much work the type of practice yours is, particularly in the you-have-to-do-it-all-yourself department).