Quiet
I’m reading Quiet: The Power of Introverts, and it’s like someone handed me a manual to Pea. And to M. And to me.
Because yes, we would rather watch other people than interact in a large group, especially at the end of a long day. Yes, we recharge by being alone (or in small groups) and for us, it’s not normal to, say, become instant friends with twenty new classmates. Yes, we are sound/light/smell sensitive. Yes, we think deeply about things and when our feelings are hurt, they are hurt deeply. Yes, there are real reasons why I hate group projects, forced interactions, and networking events — and why I would almost always prefer to email than talk on the phone.
Internet socialization? I love it. It doesn’t mean I don’t like spending time with my friends. It just means that I can only do it for so often before my resources are depleted.
And that’s normal for 1/3-1/2 of the population.
The book is written by a former BigLaw attorney, and while at times it’s a bit simplistic, it’s fascinating reading. I feel I have the tools to discuss Pea’s temperament with her teachers (current and future) as well as the ability to advocate for her in the future. That was my hope when I purchased the book, but as bonus, I found validation for all the things I felt/”knew” to be true about me, too.
The blog is well worth following, too. Here are ten tips for how to parent an introverted child.
10 Responses to “Quiet”
That book has been on my list since it came out! It sounds like you think it’s worth it. Question for you — is it just “wow, I recognize myself in this, and I see that I’m normal,” or are you getting some additional insights or techniques for how to work with your introversion or turn it to your advantage in a world that values extroversion?
It’s validating, and that may be the main value to the book. All three of us are introverts (albeit with big personalities and we generally do like people,just in small doses).
However, I’ve spent a lot of time fighting for space and for time (personally and professionally) to work the way I know I work best (without distractions, with a closed door, with as few meetings as possible — I despise meetings and think they’re almost always worthless) and frankly, knowing that it’s a normal thing for a lot of people helps. In law school, I took off as soon as classes were over. It wasn’t that I didn’t like my classmates — I did, and I still do — but that after school, I had enough social interaction and needed to find my center again.
There’s value in understanding how Pea thinks and how I can help fight to get the same distance/space/time she may need in school, too. I feel that now I can say, OK, here are the studies that show how X type of arrangement (groupthink, etc) is detrimental to her ability to learn. I know that now if I’m pushed by a teacher, as I was this past month, about her not wanting to be a social butterfly, I have the vocabulary and theories to explain why I’m not concerned, vs. “I don’t see this as a problem,” which seems ostrich-like on its own. (I think she spends so much time maintaining control at school when they’re inside that when she gets outside for playtime, she’s desperately in need of time to do her own thing, which is why she’d rather climb a tree or play in the sandbox than play a social or make believe game.)
And there are tips on how to survive in an extrovert’s world, and how to overcome the things that frighten a lot of introverts (like public speaking). I don’t know if that’s particularly valuable to you or me at this stage, because I’ve already found workarounds and I’m sure you have, too, but if I were in my 20s when I read this book, it would have been life-altering.
It’s definitely worth a read.
In my mind, that’s how the whole world works. Those people who make friends with all 20 people in the class instantly are the outliers. Obviously I am from a family of introverts! It’s interesting to see an explanation for why I’m so driven to get to gatherings early. The tip about shouting “stop” when someone else takes a toy seems like it might go over badly, though. Wow, stream of consciousness comment!
I know, right? I think almost all of my friends and family are introverts. With maybe one or two exceptions, we’re social…but we need downtime to recover afterward. (In my father’s case, he would literally have to sleep off heavy social interaction. It required napping.) Bizarrely, many of them picked professions that require public performance and heavy social interaction of one kind or another.
I found with Pea that getting her to a place early is key. I try to have her at school (and before that, preschool and daycare) before almost all of the other kids, so that she settles into it more easily. It makes a huge difference!
My husband is an introvert and he recently read that book. He found it interesting but kind of simple (as you said) and mostly just common-sense at the same time. I’m definitely have my extrovert moments but I think I’m also largely an introvert. I always wonder how much of that is nurture versus nature.
I think there’s definitely a bit of both. The way I was raised, I was forced to perform from a young age, so I have an “on” mode and and an off mode. On is exhausting; I’d much rather hide.
These descriptions of personality traits (including what energizes and what drains) are also found in Myers Briggs testing, which may give you an additional common vocabulary since it has been around awhile and is generally respected in educational and professional institutions (human resources departments even administer it at larger companies).
I’m glad to see that there’s more recognition, for sure. I think the personality inventories have been criticized recently, but there’s so much more awareness that introversion isn’t “I hate people” but “I need time alone to recharge.” Overall, though, it’s tough when our society views extroverts as more competent than introverts.
It’s on my list, I’m glad to hear you liked it – makes it more likely that I’ll purchase. It’s funny because when I was younger I was definitely not introverted. Something happened to me in my early twenties which was then massively compounded by whatever happened to me in law school; and now it seems that every year I’m more introverted than I was the year before.
I’m friendly all day long at work, so people never believe me that I’m introverted (they don’t understand that introvert doesn’t mean misanthrope) but there are some days I can barely stand getting on the bus to go home because that’s another fifteen minutes of having people around me.
Yes, exactly! I have been going to a loud and raucous coffee shop because the coffee shop I prefer to work in while Pea is in kindergarten is having some renovations done, and the act of blocking the noise and chaos from the loud coffee house is depleting. I’ve explained this to introverts and they get it; extroverts look at me like I’m crazy.