Should she stay or should she go?
I am seriously considering pulling Pea from kindergarten. (I have only barely vented on this blog, but these are some of the reasons why.) Kindergarten isn’t mandatory in Oregon, and the only thing this kindergarten is inclined to do is teach preparedness for first grade in this school…which is to say, how to sit down, shut up, and not ask questions. This is antithetical to everything M and I believe in.
There are three months left. 1/3 of the school year. I don’t know what to do.
Part of me thinks, well, it’s about time. That meeting with the principal? Yielded nothing but the principal no longer making eye contact or responding to “good morning” from me. He does still tell Pea to have a good day, which is something. Pea loves him and gives him a hug every morning and a high-five. This breaks my heart.
After months of requesting a place for the introverted children to retreat to when they needed it, I found out from talking to another mom (and verifying with Pea) that the introverted kids been going under the snack table to get away from the noise and the chaos.
The other part is terrified that I would be pulling her for the wrong reasons, that I am making this about me when it isn’t. (But I would hope that by having this thought, I negate that possibility.)
She has found something of a social niche, playing mainly with the boys. But with the exception of one or two boys, there are no real bonds.
The kindergarten does no academics, the teacher is batshit crazy (do not tell my child that gnomes hide things at night — I mean, really?!), and it falls on me to teach her anything meaningful.
Today is the first day I didn’t go with Pea on Park Day. I couldn’t. I just…couldn’t. I don’t know what I’ll say if the teacher says anything else insane to me. My filter is gone. I don’t care enough to be nice. Nice isn’t working. These people have never seen us angry but I’m one more ignorant comment away from losing my shit in a spectacular fashion.
Do all five-year-olds fight going to school? Like, do they hate it? Cry about having to go most mornings? Feign illness to avoid it? I’m pretty sure that’s not normal.
In the realm of being about me: it’s killing me to take her to school. I feel sick about it.
This morning, I was in the shower thinking, Jesus, I don’t know if I can force her to go. I don’t know if I have it in me. I managed to get her ready with a minimum of fuss, which was good, because I reached a point where I thought, “Okay, if she doesn’t put on her clothes…doesn’t brush her teeth…doesn’t eat breakfast…I won’t take her.”
In favor of keeping her in school:
- Social interaction.
- Lots of physical activity (this is the main benefit).
- Time outdoors every day, no matter how crappy the weather (I am not nearly as inclined to run around in the rain and get muddy).
- I have three hours every morning to myself for writing/socializing/doctors’ appointments.
- The entire burden of engaging Pea’s mind would fall on me (more on this below; it almost all does, anyway).
- I don’t want her to think that school is something that can easily be quit. (I do want her to think school is something that should be looked forward to, though.)
- I would be mentally exhausted by the time M is home from work and would need time to myself to recover — and that’s less time with M.
Opposed to keeping her in school:
- Her teacher does not appreciate her personality or her mind, and I suspect may be actively discouraging curiosity and questioning. If she acts exasperated with Pea in front of me, how is she acting when I’m not there? Which leads to…
- I don’t think her teacher likes her. Sure, it’s unrealistic to expect her teachers will all love her — she is a challenging kid if you don’t like being questioned (and even if you do, it’s exhausting). But she is a sweet kid who is kind to everyone. And until this teacher and this school, she was appreciated as a quirky kid by her teachers. Even if some of them were faking it, never was anyone short-tempered with her in front of me.
- The school doesn’t take racism and bullying seriously.
- The school doesn’t take differences in temperament into account.
- At the school, a good child is a child who does what they’re told, when they’re told, and doesn’t ask questions. (At the first grade meeting, one of the parents essentially asked, “Since our kid already reads, how do we prepare her for a dumbed-down curriculum?” Not “What enrichment is available for my advanced child?” How can a parent even think that way? I was flummoxed.)
- If she’s with me, I can tailor education to her interests (and do so now — we’d just do more of it). We used to go to OMSI and the zoo and Audubon on a weekly basis, and we can go back to doing that. I can pick up a membership to the art museum and add that into rotation.
- I can use the extra few months for preparing her for an academic first grade.
- I wouldn’t be driving an extra 80 miles a week to take her to and from school.
- I wouldn’t be fighting to get her ready for school. This is the single biggest frustration of my parenting life.
Both M and I attended a lot of schools growing up (M=13, Me=7). M dealt with a lot of bullying until he was big enough to kick the shit out of would-be tormenters. I was small, young, skipped a grade, and too clueless until middle school to realize everyone wasn’t like me/I wasn’t like everyone else. There were maybe one or two years of public school where I felt challenged/like I belonged…and then we moved again. I see a lot of my naive, unable-to-believe-people-aren’t-nice in Pea.
So that’s the situation. And…I don’t know what to do. I just know this isn’t working and the school has shown us they really don’t care about it working for her.
12 Responses to “Should she stay or should she go?”
I would let/make her finish out the year, and find a better fit for next year. There is a long road ahead and there will always be the mean kid/unfair teacher/stupid policy. This circumstance, although sucky, is training both you and Pea how to deal with these people and situations. It’s no fun, but it’s valuable life experience.
I really do understand your frustration and the special issues of gifted kids. I had to fight like hell to allow PS to skip a grade because I knew she would be bored and cause problems, and even after that I had to fight like hell to keep her challenged in school. We’ve had teachers that span the spectrum from awesome to terrible. If nothing else, they’ve taught me when to intervene and when to let it ride. And to carefully choose my battles.
P.S. I do think the hair/hat letter was certifiable.
I would pull her and try some sort of organized class/playgroup/morning preschool to get her out of the house and interacting with other kids a few times a week. This place just seems horrible. I mean, the principal can’t even interact civilly with a dissatisfied parent? If the grown-ups can’t handle conflict, what are they teaching the kids? And that’s leaving aside the passive-aggressive letters, the tolerance of racism and bullying, and the general resistance to anyone who’s a little bit different.
Other then the pro in the form of work time, I’m not seeing anything else to recommend keeping her there. Social play and outdoors, you can get. I guess the brain melting for you is a pretty big con, though. Is there an alternate placement for her??
I agree with LC about the insanity of that letter. I didn’t get a chance to respond to your e-mail but my two cents are to pull her out. No, it is not normal for a 5 year-old to fight consistently for months on end. She’s obviously unhappy and they are clearly dysfunctional, nor do they appreciate her style and unique self. Could you find a part-time mother’s day out type thing? Next year she can start again, hopefully with a more normal teacher.
So I am a certified teacher and deal with mostly older grades (which isn’t much help) and my children attend public school which surprisingly offers a better education than the private schools here because all of them are religious.
My son in K had a difficult year. Was suspended twice in a week had ISS and was separated from students most of the year (when really he needed to learn how to interact properly with other students.) I almost had a full on break down.
Then first grade happened. My son had a better teacher who brought the awesomeness out of him. Helped him love school and be a better peer. Sometimes kindergarten sucks. We think it shouldn’t because our experience was wonderful but sometimes it does.
The good part is that she probably won’t carry it with her to the next year so.either way you should be fine. I hope she has a better teacher next year. And I hope you find a school for her that appreciates her for the person she is rather than the person they want her to be.
Unfortunately, there are going to be great teachers and bad teachers for the rest of her life. There are going to be good rules and stupid rules for the rest of her life. And, there will be great coworkers and bosses and really stupid coworkers and bosses the rest of her life. You know these things from your own experiences, I am sure. We do the best we can to improve the situations. I don’t think you should take her out unless the scale is really tipping too far. Sometimes, it does tip too far. It is a very individualized decision. Only you and your husband know what is truly best for Pea. (I wish people would listen to the parents more! We know our children.)
This is why, for the last several years, I have been re-learning algebra and advanced math on an almost nightly basis and then re-teaching it to Rosebud. She has not had a great math teacher since she entered high school. She has had only one great science teacher in high school. Luckily, she has had some very good English and history teachers. And, I will always be grateful for some amazing elementary and middle school teachers she has had.
So frustrating.
Good luck!
PS I shared some of the hair-in-the-face concerns of Pea’s teacher with Rosebud and we both had a good laugh–Rosebud has always had long bangs sweeping down to one side. Imagine what she could have accomplished by now in her life if I had just insisted on short bangs! What kind of mother am I?
Question–do you think Pea will carry her antipathy and resistance to this school to schooling in general if she’s made to finish up the school year?
I’d pull her out. You have no intention of keeping her there for 1st grade, right? It’s one thing for them to totally squash her individuality, but the bullying is what gets me. It will be tougher on you, but you’re already the primary source for educating her anyway. I have a lot of complaints about my son’s school, but his teachers have always strive to work with his quirkiness not against it, and they have no tolerance for bullying. Pea shouldn’t have to deal with that.
Leave her in. Too late to pull her out. You got a bad teacher and you’ve been labelled as THAT parent by the administration. Be civil. Supplement what she’s not getting at school, at home. Also — you are not helping her by being such a pushover. Be more firm in the morning. No more skips. School is the routine, it’s what we do. No more bribery or tantrums. You are going, that’s it.
Take Pea out. Sticking with it is important, but it’s also important to realize when you just need to get out of a situation. Also considering that Pea is young and this is her first exposure to school, I think having a positive (or at least not completely negative) school experience is important – there’ll be plenty of time later on for her to practice stick-to-it-iveness.
I’m a big believer in sticking things out to the end, no matter how miserable, beyond the point of reason, but that’s just me. I don’t think whether she stays or leaves that it will be a detriment to her. But the reality is, first grade (or any other grade) might not be much different than kindergarten has been for her, because it just depends on the teacher. There are crappy teachers. There are really great teachers. It was hit or miss whether I got great ones or crappy ones, but academically, I survived them all. Pea will too.
The school is nutty, that’s for sure. I had a not-so-great experience in elementary school with a Montessori-type “gifted” program. It wasn’t a great learning style for me (I’ve always been an at the desk, reading the book, and listening to the lecture type of learner… I need clear organization and concise directions), and the teacher was a total flake. She taught through “exploring the world around us” or some hippy shit. I could definitely see her sending out emails about the evils of long bangs, or something similarly asinine. But my mom… she really hated the teacher (which is ironic, because my mother’s a big hippy herself). It was epic. Every stupid activity, every stupid hippy thing I had to do, my mom was immensely irritated and was quick to tell the teacher her opinion (in her less than diplomatic manner). Which the teacher then took out on me. I remember sitting out of recess several times because my mom refused to sign some permission slip for me to do some activity, and the teacher punished me for it. It got a little ugly between them. I don’t remember exactly how long I lasted, but I know by Christmas, I was back in the regular class at my neighborhood school, and relieved to be out of the middle of the adult conflict (and the hippy class).
But, other than the adult drama, I could have kept going in the gifted program and been fine though. No, I really didn’t like it, and I didn’t have any friends (all the other kids already knew each other, I was the only one from my school that got into the program, and I did not have the social skills then to navigate those waters), so it wasn’t the easiest time, but there was no easy time for me in elementary school. I never wanted to go to school, I hated most of it. I guess by 5th grade it got better, but it was a rough road. Anyway, the kids in the gifted class were the same kids I ended up with once we were in middle school, and stayed with them through high school, as I still got into the advanced classes when I got to middle school. But in middle school, I started to learn to “be one of the girls,” and finally made friends with a few of the nerdier girls. Still friends with a couple of them. (We’re all still nerdy.) None of it really mattered in the end, it all worked out. Kids are resilient in that regard.
Good luck in your decision-making! I hope Pea has an easier time than I had in elementary school once she gets started in a new school. I feel for her, it’s tough. But just do what you feel is best in regards to the next three months, it won’t be a big deal either way. And school will get better with time and experience.
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